Post by Ed Van Halen on Mar 30, 2019 12:34:26 GMT -5
(Disclaimer! Two to four of you will appreciate the following; the rest will wonder WTF, which is OK because I have been getting that last thing for a good 35 years now and, just like with losing, I have become quite accustomed to it. Dilly.)
Sitting pretty in several bracket contests after 48 of 63 games had been completed, ol' E SucksOutTheAssAtThisFuckingBullshitForTheLast15Or20Years SHOULD HAVE seen what was on the horizon. But noooooooo, he got all positive and shit with the multiple scenarios in which he was finally gonna see the ample rewards for the amount of hard goddamn work he puts into garbage like guessing at fucking sports outcomes.
Not so fast, my friend!
In rutt-rohspect, the leaker was Buffalo, whom ol' E had making it to the Elite 8. Getting that ass handed to them last weekend by the Knight Remnants from that bastion of college hoops, Lubbock Fucking Texas, told him all he would need to know. Because when Thursday’s semi-regionals rolled around, our favorite incomprehensibly underachieving twit had selected the following gems:
A) Tennessee Ed, bending over against FUCKING PURDUE in a defensive wet dream in which the Fighting Marsha Blackburns (EPIC c*unt, btw) held Pete to a mere 54-percent shooting, including a frigid 15-of-31 from threeland despite benefiting from Boiler Down MISSING 17 OF 33 FUCKING FREE THROWS. This, somehow, occurred because the dumb motherfuckers from Knoxville managed to commit every inane foul you could think of down the stretch so that the entire team fouled out and actually began eating into next year's roster.
Fuck you, Tennessee.
B) NEXT! LSD. Ol' E took LSD, but it was the wrong kind as he plumb forgot that those crawdad-lovin', paid-for-via-Strong-Ass Offers from Baton Rouge were playing for an interim coach with a losing career record against TOM FUCKING IZZO. And I picked against him (if only because half his starting lineup was injured and I was enduring the throes of a Naz Reid fetish). So, I deserved this.
Fuck me. (And Tennessee.)
C) Finally, North Carolina. The nation's highest-scoring team clanged along from threeland at a 25-percent clip while allowing AUBORNE to score FITTY-SIX SECOND-HALF POINTS and drain 17 of 37 long-range bombs. Bend over, Chapel Hill -- Charles Barkley's 'bout to unload all that fat-drippin' WarIgglejizz in yo ASS.
This is what I get, I reckon, for having John Thompson autograph my UNC hat at that first Final Four in Indy. (If you don’t get how fucking hilarious that is, you need to do some diggin’.)
But wait -- there's more!!! As Carolina Blue's deficit approached 20 points in the second half after another Auburn three tickled the KC twine, it dawned on me that I had spent ten (10) U.S. dollars on a single 16 Lotto team the other night at the kkrib. That pick turned out to be ...
NORTH CAROLINA.
So there we have it! Just another day in the paradise that is supposed 21st-century America.
Signed,
Soooooo fuckinnnnng siiiiiick of losing at life slash Thank Yahweh for Masochism slash my GAWD why couldn’t Mommy have gotten those tubes tied BEFORE I came out?
Sitting pretty in several bracket contests after 48 of 63 games had been completed, ol' E SucksOutTheAssAtThisFuckingBullshitForTheLast15Or20Years SHOULD HAVE seen what was on the horizon. But noooooooo, he got all positive and shit with the multiple scenarios in which he was finally gonna see the ample rewards for the amount of hard goddamn work he puts into garbage like guessing at fucking sports outcomes.
Not so fast, my friend!
In rutt-rohspect, the leaker was Buffalo, whom ol' E had making it to the Elite 8. Getting that ass handed to them last weekend by the Knight Remnants from that bastion of college hoops, Lubbock Fucking Texas, told him all he would need to know. Because when Thursday’s semi-regionals rolled around, our favorite incomprehensibly underachieving twit had selected the following gems:
A) Tennessee Ed, bending over against FUCKING PURDUE in a defensive wet dream in which the Fighting Marsha Blackburns (EPIC c*unt, btw) held Pete to a mere 54-percent shooting, including a frigid 15-of-31 from threeland despite benefiting from Boiler Down MISSING 17 OF 33 FUCKING FREE THROWS. This, somehow, occurred because the dumb motherfuckers from Knoxville managed to commit every inane foul you could think of down the stretch so that the entire team fouled out and actually began eating into next year's roster.
Fuck you, Tennessee.
B) NEXT! LSD. Ol' E took LSD, but it was the wrong kind as he plumb forgot that those crawdad-lovin', paid-for-via-Strong-Ass Offers from Baton Rouge were playing for an interim coach with a losing career record against TOM FUCKING IZZO. And I picked against him (if only because half his starting lineup was injured and I was enduring the throes of a Naz Reid fetish). So, I deserved this.
Fuck me. (And Tennessee.)
C) Finally, North Carolina. The nation's highest-scoring team clanged along from threeland at a 25-percent clip while allowing AUBORNE to score FITTY-SIX SECOND-HALF POINTS and drain 17 of 37 long-range bombs. Bend over, Chapel Hill -- Charles Barkley's 'bout to unload all that fat-drippin' WarIgglejizz in yo ASS.
This is what I get, I reckon, for having John Thompson autograph my UNC hat at that first Final Four in Indy. (If you don’t get how fucking hilarious that is, you need to do some diggin’.)
But wait -- there's more!!! As Carolina Blue's deficit approached 20 points in the second half after another Auburn three tickled the KC twine, it dawned on me that I had spent ten (10) U.S. dollars on a single 16 Lotto team the other night at the kkrib. That pick turned out to be ...
NORTH CAROLINA.
So there we have it! Just another day in the paradise that is supposed 21st-century America.
Signed,
Soooooo fuckinnnnng siiiiiick of losing at life slash Thank Yahweh for Masochism slash my GAWD why couldn’t Mommy have gotten those tubes tied BEFORE I came out?
